Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
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cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Yup.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.