Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
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At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
There are no pants in heaven.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…