Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

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Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.


wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”


the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat


Wow howl of winter 😍😍


Me: [unsure about my hair]

Hairdresser: So, what do you think?

Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!


I’m an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I’m just majestic.


Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.


QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.


The year is 2027 AD. I take a drag from my vitamin cigarette and transfer 17 Bitcoins to a 3D-printed babe-bot for a cyber HJ. Life is good.


*holds pizza above my head like a boombox below your bedroom window*