Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
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wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Wow howl of winter 😍😍
Me: [unsure about my hair]
Hairdresser: So, what do you think?
Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!
I’m an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I’m just majestic.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
The year is 2027 AD. I take a drag from my vitamin cigarette and transfer 17 Bitcoins to a 3D-printed babe-bot for a cyber HJ. Life is good.
*holds pizza above my head like a boombox below your bedroom window*