[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.