@DKG26

Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..

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@Real_Dick_Head

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

@loribuckmajor

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

@BadassBarbie11

Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.

@pilau

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

@iamspacegirl

pros of being a jellyfish:

-gelatinous body type.
-tentacles.
-sting the shit out of anything that tries to hug you.
-low expectations.

@ClichedOut

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

@Marlebean

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

@RikNasty2Point0

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

@jellybnbonanza

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

@thatUPSdude

I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.