If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..
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I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
Me: Do a puzzle?
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was “in that Titanic movie”. Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.
How much for that babysitter?
Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape
I’ll take it!
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*