[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
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I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
gm
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”