@DKG26

Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..

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@AndrewChamings

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

@Megatronic13

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

@RykWeston

The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was “in that Titanic movie”. Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.

@jdforshort

How much for that babysitter?

Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape

I’ll take it!

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

@Lhlodder

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

@Gupton68

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*