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I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.