Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My kitchen overserved me.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.