Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

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Her: What did you do for fun in college?

Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high


Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree


Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400


Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?


*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*


I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’


The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.


Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No