Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
happy friday
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.