@disa_panda Her: What did you do for fun in college?
Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high
@BoomBoomBetty Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
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@disa_panda 
@ChicksRule Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
@susiezennario Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
@Pork_Chop_Hair Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
@jgraham___ They cancelling everything but work.
@DrCephalopod *moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
@thagr8short1 I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
@phoebe_bridgers the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
@FreudsTwin The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.
@EndhooS Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No