Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]


*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy


Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.


Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine


MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.


What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.


You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn


If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.


Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots