Her: What did you do for fun in college?
Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
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Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
They cancelling everything but work.
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No