Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
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‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.