Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
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I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.