Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
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I can’t stop watching this.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra