[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]
Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.
Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Sometimes you have to make a stand. Not there though. You’re blocking the TV.