Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.