@mdob11: Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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@pdxjohnny99: This tweet has been brought to you by... ...Stay Free Maxi-pads... ...When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.
@wickedimproper: My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
@HenpeckedHal: In my defense, I never said that I had "completed the project." I said that I was "done working on it." Two totally different things.
@KenJennings: WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE 1 Ricochet 2 Retrieve, rethrow 3 Line up birds precisely 4 Huge boulder 5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief