@mdob11

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

You Might Also Like

@Tommytoughstuff

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

@doktorj

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

@MikeDrucker

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

@lisaxy424

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

@miller_tm

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

@junejuly12

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

@WritePlay

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

@ComedicBust

[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]

Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.

Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..

@Home_Halfway

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

@BackrowSeats

Sometimes you have to make a stand. Not there though. You’re blocking the TV.