Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.