Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
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Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
This is painfully accurate 😅
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”