@Jandalize

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

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@Reverend_Scott

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

@bobinhiding

My driver’s side window is stuck closed. I may starve to death.

@krisv_723

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

@krishna_van

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

@hidingfromme

Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”

@FrogAvalanche

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564? before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

@Tommytoughstuff

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

@KKAlThani

Cop: you’re under arrest
Me: no you are
*cop arrests me*
Me: fine but next time it’s my turn

@mrjohndarby

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?