Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

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Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON


My driver’s side window is stuck closed. I may starve to death.


I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.


Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.


Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”


[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564? before it went supernova?”
“U still owe me $20.”


A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.


Cop: you’re under arrest
Me: no you are
*cop arrests me*
Me: fine but next time it’s my turn


Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?