Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.