Horrifying if literal: a handbag
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7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
It was worth a shot 😂
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.