Horrifying if literal: armchairs
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“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“our sushi is very fresh”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?