Horrifying if literal: shit storm
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Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Smile they said.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
What?!?