horrifying if literal: the electric slide
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Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Well, this certainly took a turn
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
felt that
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!