Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
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Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
who wants to go expliring
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!