[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
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Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge