“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial