At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
You Might Also Like
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things
1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing
2. Always put on clean underwear before going out
3. Never snort black pepper
4. Always be kind
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I’m not needy. I’m wanty.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
What’s being in love feel like? You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway? Almost as good as that.
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
It’s called the Alarmadillo
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you’re getting ready to take hostages.