@Robert_Beau
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
@JerpsBerps
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
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@Robert_Beau
@bornmiserable
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
@skedaddle74
You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things
1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing
2. Always put on clean underwear before going out
3. Never snort black pepper
4. Always be kind
@BBerrymore
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
@NotJPo
I’m not needy. I’m wanty.
@brennadine
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
@solsayswhaaa
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
@KevinFarzad
What’s being in love feel like? You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway? Almost as good as that.
@pleatedjeans
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
@juliussharpe
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you’re getting ready to take hostages.