@JerpsBerps

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

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@VerifiedJayy

Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.

Wait til spring

Enjoy

@hippieswordfish

weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount

@MooseAllain

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

@plank_sinatra

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

@TheNYAMProject

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

@HardlyUnDead

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

@Kyle_Lippert

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

@RayInCincy

Oh white people,

is there anything you won’t try to fix with a 5K run/walk?