@DothTheDoth

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

@clemdytan

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

@TheRolo

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

@BareChesty

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

@ScorpionDong

Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars

@CroweJam

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

@ericsshadow

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

@Sirrruh

My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.

@impaulmccoy

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler