Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

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[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]


I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!


She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.


*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”


Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars


I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.


Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”


My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.


People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.


THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler