HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

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God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.


doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]


When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.


I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.


How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?


god: why should i let u into heaven

me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin

god: what

me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-

god: ok i get it

me: mosquitoes


A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.


the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials


9yo: Look what I made!
Me: What?
9yo: I taped 2 toilet rolls & made binoculars!
Me: Great.*Holds up iPhone* This is what 9yos in China make.