HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
She was REALLY feeling it.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
broke down and did it
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.