Quickest way to get over someone? 4 wheel drive
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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God: Basically u just chill.
God: I mean, at first.
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
god: why should i let u into heaven
me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin
me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-
god: ok i get it
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
9yo: Look what I made!
9yo: I taped 2 toilet rolls & made binoculars!
Me: Great.*Holds up iPhone* This is what 9yos in China make.