@philyuck

Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff

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@st00pidfast

I can’t make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you’re too fat to be loved by anyone else.

@AbbyHasIssues

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

@newLettuce

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

@DirtMcTurd

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

@LuckoftheDraw86

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

@robfee

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

@JordyHamrick

Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he’s not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.

@iamjohnsarris

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

@IvoryGazelle

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit