Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff

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I can’t make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you’re too fat to be loved by anyone else.


If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.


Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No


A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register


*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.


No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.


Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he’s not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.


I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.


Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit