@philyuck

Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff

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@ItsAndyRyan

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

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@Dawn_M_

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

@aaronrand

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

@midwestern_ope

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

@Paxochka

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

@Contwixt

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

@hoops_Daddy

Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes

Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.