I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
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Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.