Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff

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“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”




Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.


Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.


*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”


I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.


No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.


Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes

Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.