horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
You Might Also Like
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.