@Reverend_Scott

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

You Might Also Like

@generaldietz

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

@pdxjohnny99

This tweet has been brought to you by…

…Stay Free Maxi-pads…

…When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.

@divergentmama

[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re

@djabish3k

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

@jordan_stratton

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

@3sunzzz

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

@Cpin42

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

@Skoogeth

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

@SpaceCatPics

“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”