@D0GGEAUX

horse: [falls in water] haha whoops
seahorse: You are outside of your domain.
horse: no see haha it was an accident, i fell-
seahorse: The ancient pact has been violated. The invasion begins.
horse: wait wha-
seahorses [swarming]: THE PACT HAS BEEN VIOLATED THE PACT HAS BEEN VIOL

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@RocketRankoon

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

@TheTimmyToes

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

@Prero22

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

@kumailn

I was interviewing my cat & she just kept meowing nonsensically but I didn’t wanna interrupt or challenge her because I was afraid she’d end the interview!

@robfee

Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.

@JMNuch23

When a girl tells you how many guys she’s slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler

@abbycohenwl

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

@TheWidowmakerX

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

@Mom_Overboard

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety