[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
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Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me when someone tries to get to know me
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.