Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@TheBoydP

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

@DaddyJew

How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?

@Birdhumms

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

@Tmoney68

Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?

@JamesonN7

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

@lordratsquirt

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

@LionJenkins

Bond.

Bail Bond.

@Mike_Bianchi

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

@pseudo_fred

I’m a man with a very specific set of skills. Woodworking, mostly. And so help me, God, I’m going to find you and build you a bench.

@SteveSuckington

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello