@CanadianPitbull
Apparently “mowing the lawn” means two completely different things to my wife and I
@samir
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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@CanadianPitbull
@97Vercetti
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
@Elizasoul80
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
@AntozWolf
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
@truegritrumble
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
@OllyiConic
driving instructor: avoid the orange cones
student driver: there’s hundreds of them
instructor: [looks up] oh my god they found me
@JodingersCat
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
@TheRealPalMal
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
@beefman138
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
@Social_Mime
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.