horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

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Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.


wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?


Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?



LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit


Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.


I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.


Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.


Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude


Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner


Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*


Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!