I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[reading an e-book]
[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind