horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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that wasn’t the question
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day