@samir

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

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@CanadianPitbull

Apparently “mowing the lawn” means two completely different things to my wife and I

@97Vercetti

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

@Elizasoul80

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

@AntozWolf

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

@truegritrumble

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

@OllyiConic

driving instructor: avoid the orange cones

student driver: there’s hundreds of them

instructor: [looks up] oh my god they found me

@JodingersCat

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

@TheRealPalMal

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

@beefman138

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

@Social_Mime

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.