Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@SortaBad

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

@MrYeager2

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

@hansmollman

Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list

@paulablu22

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

@bingowings14

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

@LostFelicia

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

@DiscoFruit

they say running is addictive, that’s why i don’t do it, i’m afraid i’ll end up in a fitness gym alley offering sex for treadmill time.

@RealSamHarwood

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

@zannah

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

@shamans_heal

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.