horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

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Apparently “mowing the lawn” means two completely different things to my wife and I


u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???


“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones


I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.


DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
ME: Get my money’s worth.


driving instructor: avoid the orange cones

student driver: there’s hundreds of them

instructor: [looks up] oh my god they found me


When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens


Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.


Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.


If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.