horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

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I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.


(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.


Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?


Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck


[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]


wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!


My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.


Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!


chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind