horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government