horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
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Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
jesus, what did this guy do
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]