Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
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A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”
So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I cannot handle my parents 😭😭😭😂😂
Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?
Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.
Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.
Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Nothing cures a hangover like a positive pregnancy test.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.