When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright