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@TheToddWilliams

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

@OneWonderWoman

A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”

@youvebeenskold

So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.

@junejuly12

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

@UnFitz

Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?

Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.

Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.

Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

@Browtweaten

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

@PaulyPeligroso

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.