My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
You Might Also Like
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.