If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
You Might Also Like
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
As I get older, I’m really just looking for Girls Gone Mild.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
1. Divorce lawyers
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —
And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first