@KylePlantEmoji

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

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@cajones113

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

@WilliamAder

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

@iwearaonesie

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

@LindaInDisguise

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

@ravenswng_

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

@Havish_AF

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

@LuvPug

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

@billwurtz

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first