horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
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WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.