horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
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I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you