mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
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I don’t think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Match dot com, but for socks.
1.) Win the lottery
2.) Fill a swimming pool with Diet Coke
3.) Hire people to throw Mentos in there the whole time I swam
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me