@mrjohndarby

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

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@TheHyyyype

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

@onelongbender

I don’t think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.

@SuperApple80

1.) Win the lottery
2.) Fill a swimming pool with Diet Coke
3.) Hire people to throw Mentos in there the whole time I swam

@FattMernandez

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

@InternetHippo

ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise

@Staggfilms

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

@FFmaxhyde

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

@JuiceTooWayvie

Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me