[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

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At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.


ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind


*Buys bat for home security

*it flies away

Being dumb is hard.


idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]


Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.


why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?


my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO