@UnFitz

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

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@BookishBunny

At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.

@fro_vo

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

@Shellsterca

*Buys bat for home security

*it flies away

Being dumb is hard.

@pleatedjeans

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

@erikaskarlet

Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.

@vmochama

why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?

@kailaniskye

my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO