HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
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no their not
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.