*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
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Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
The 50k lady鈥檚 grandfather left her money that he could鈥檝e spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I鈥檓 chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
every year on st. paddy鈥檚 my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she鈥檇 maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 馃檮
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.