@Gre_Gone

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

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@_thatigirl

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

@chrisdowning

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

@KMoFlo_official

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

@thatUPSdude

I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

@Jerk_Martin

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

@fro_vo

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

@SwoleOctopus

[being murdered]

me: tell my gf i love her

murderer: *removes mask to reveal it’s my gf* awww, you love me

me: *dying breath* i…think..we…should…see…other.. people..

@BarryVonAwesome

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

@genehunter1

After the delicious brownies have all been consumed following my funeral,
a video of me will inform everyone that they just ate my ashes.

@TheWeirdWorld

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.