@Gre_Gone

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

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@Tbone7219

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

@danadonly

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

@mom_tho

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

@ArfMeasures

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

@CArmanthegirl

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

@WineMummy

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

@RunOldMan

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

@sfreeze6

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

@McNarstle

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?