@_ElvishPresley_

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

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@kevnasto

I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.

@Brampersandon_

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

@RL_blahneh

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

@5ive_zw

dude this burger needs to drop the skin care routine.

@maisondecris

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

@SteveSuckington

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

@peteholmez

“Hello, Time Warner? I need to speak with someone about setting up local Gotham cable in a secret prison. Yes, I’ll hold.” – Bane

@4handfuls

Some call it a fashion show. I call it my kids changing their shorts 8 times a day for no reason and leaving them all over the house…

@ThaJawn

Glue: *holds two pieces of paper together

Crazy Glue: *holds two pieces of paper at gun point

@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.