I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
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[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
*takes 5 more shots*
me to an ex: wyd
dude this burger needs to drop the skin care routine.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
M: hows it herpin?
M: I have herpes
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
“Hello, Time Warner? I need to speak with someone about setting up local Gotham cable in a secret prison. Yes, I’ll hold.” – Bane
Some call it a fashion show. I call it my kids changing their shorts 8 times a day for no reason and leaving them all over the house…
Glue: *holds two pieces of paper together
Crazy Glue: *holds two pieces of paper at gun point
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.