[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
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Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
smh
This hospital has everything
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.