@HaydenKristal

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

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@hand_jive

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

@RonDanChan

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

@rcromwell4

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

@iCumBl00d

My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.

@AsgardianRose

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

@UncleDuke1969

Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)

Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.

@baeblacksheep

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

@AbbyHasIssues

Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.

@ImmorallyFixate

Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year’s. Thanks pumpkin!