Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

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Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.


Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE


Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.


My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.


I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.


Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)

Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.


I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.


Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.


Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year’s. Thanks pumpkin!