Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
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1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.