You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
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I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Wow howl of winter 😍😍
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.