Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
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Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.