{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
You Might Also Like
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“Why you watching this shit?”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
technically true but not a great slogan
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd