Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
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This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
man i love columbo
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
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*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*