Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
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nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.