@DrakeGatsby

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

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@MickyMax6

Eat anything u want.

If people make fun of ur size… Eat them too

@Mr_Kapowski

8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin

Me: You were a very hungry fetus-

Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today

@lasergirl70

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

@Vodkantots

In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you’re never allowed to unbutton your pants.

@goldengateblond

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

@SkinnerSteven

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

@jake_lach

I warned everyone that I take charades seriously and now three people are crying

@AsgardianRose

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.