Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

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Eat anything u want.

If people make fun of ur size… Eat them too


8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin

Me: You were a very hungry fetus-

Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today


🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls


In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you’re never allowed to unbutton your pants.


“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.


I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl


I warned everyone that I take charades seriously and now three people are crying


The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.