Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
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Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.