Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
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[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?