@DrakeGatsby

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

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@HenpeckedHal

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

@TheTweetOfGod

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

@weinerdog4life

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

@HatfieldAnne

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

@Browtweaten

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

@FredTaming

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

@Buffalojilll

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

@squirrel74wkgn

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

@leechee420

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.