Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
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Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.