[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
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Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My typo game is string.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read