[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.