I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
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My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Let’s turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face