[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
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{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years