Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

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my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn’t there


hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*


*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*


Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?


Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail


I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great


[right after my lie detector test]
-Make sure that machine shows I’ve had plenty of the sex
“Sir that’s not what it does-


My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.


[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.