9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
You Might Also Like
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.